At least that is two things I can tell you so far.
1. You may find out the healing is not quite done... even if you think it is. Because once you hit a safe place in life... your body may decide to finish the crying it started and never finished.
2. Sometimes your past comes back to bite you in the butt! My husband went in for a routine procedure today... and all I could think of was last time I took my husband in for a routine procedure... my life changed. Thankfully, today the procedure is over and life is just as it was before.
Friday, December 2, 2011
Monday, October 10, 2011
A NEW LIFE
I think it was probably perfect that I was ornery and crabby to the dear man the night he proposed. It sets the stage for life in all reality... right? He cannot say he didn't know what he was getting into. :)
We had a perfect wedding. He, me and our six kids, a friend to marry us and two friends to witness. Right in the living room. A dinner with just us and the kids followed in the dining room and a couple months later a summer picnic to celebrate our new life, our new beginning on our lawn.
I am so grateful for him. I try everyday to not take him for granted and to remember all the good he brings to my life.
He is a blessing. But it has been an emotional roller coaster... in a new way. I worked for years building up systems and structure that kept me standing. Now I have to change those systems and knock down that structure and build new. It is hard. Really hard. He is tender and allows me to move slowly and listens to me cry about closing bank accounts, even though there is no way he understands why that makes me cry (I don't even get it 100%). I just know and feel that I am making myself very vulnerable again. Vulnerable to loss. But it is worth it. Because every day I have joy and love.
It comes again. It really comes again.
Now... years of 'bad' behaviors used to help me survive... I need to learn to thrive everyday. It is a journey... and I'm not sure how to really get there. A journey many of us need to take. We endure hardships and come out the other side stronger... but not always thriving. Just happy to survive. Help me learn how and share your wisdom to EVERYDAY THRIVING!
We had a perfect wedding. He, me and our six kids, a friend to marry us and two friends to witness. Right in the living room. A dinner with just us and the kids followed in the dining room and a couple months later a summer picnic to celebrate our new life, our new beginning on our lawn.
I am so grateful for him. I try everyday to not take him for granted and to remember all the good he brings to my life.
He is a blessing. But it has been an emotional roller coaster... in a new way. I worked for years building up systems and structure that kept me standing. Now I have to change those systems and knock down that structure and build new. It is hard. Really hard. He is tender and allows me to move slowly and listens to me cry about closing bank accounts, even though there is no way he understands why that makes me cry (I don't even get it 100%). I just know and feel that I am making myself very vulnerable again. Vulnerable to loss. But it is worth it. Because every day I have joy and love.
It comes again. It really comes again.
Now... years of 'bad' behaviors used to help me survive... I need to learn to thrive everyday. It is a journey... and I'm not sure how to really get there. A journey many of us need to take. We endure hardships and come out the other side stronger... but not always thriving. Just happy to survive. Help me learn how and share your wisdom to EVERYDAY THRIVING!
Thursday, May 26, 2011
MONTH 11
I was ready. I wanted to marry him and I had been praying about it for 11 months. I knew it was right. I knew he loved me and my kids.
But, he had not proposed. We talked marriage like it was expected. But, he had not proposed. There were times I was bothered by this. I was in deep. My kids were in deep. It had been 11 months. He only had one month before our proposed "timeline" came due.
I didn't want him to feel pressured. I wanted to be patient. But I wanted to shake him and say what is the hold up?? Do you want it or not? I convinced myself I would wait until the one year mark... THEN... then we would have a serious conversation! :)
One year and one day from when we met I was crabby. He had planned to propose. I am certain the evening did not go as smoothly as he had planned.
But, he had not proposed. We talked marriage like it was expected. But, he had not proposed. There were times I was bothered by this. I was in deep. My kids were in deep. It had been 11 months. He only had one month before our proposed "timeline" came due.
I didn't want him to feel pressured. I wanted to be patient. But I wanted to shake him and say what is the hold up?? Do you want it or not? I convinced myself I would wait until the one year mark... THEN... then we would have a serious conversation! :)
One year and one day from when we met I was crabby. He had planned to propose. I am certain the evening did not go as smoothly as he had planned.
HOW LONG IS TOO LONG?
Dating as a parent is challenging.
1. I was always exhausted. Any conversation that we tried to have after 9pm was useless. Neither one of us could think stratight.
2. Seeing eachother before 9pm and actually being able to talk without one of six children needing to interrupt... impossible
3. Dates? Vital, but are they realistic?
4. Most times of trying to sit down and relax and enjoy the other person turned into both of us falling asleep sitting up on the couch within minutes of sitting.
It was hard. How long do you keep this up? It seemed like a month would pass and I would have to ask myself... has anything changed in our relationship in this past month? Often, the answer was no. That was good because we were in a good place. That was bad because I wondered if we were moving forward.
One evening we discussed the issue and the time-frame. When kids are involved in the relationship and you see them getting closer and closer to the guy you are dating... it is a little scary. My kids loved him, and I loved him.... but what if something happened and he and I went our different ways? How much of a blow would that be to my kids?
One year. That was the time frame we decided on.
After 9 months I started to panic a bit. Life as a single-parent is challenging and sometimes so challenging that you focus more on the day-to-day then you do thinking long-term. Were we doing that? Was the sheer challenge of spending quality time together hampering our progress and dragging this out? Or did we already know that this was it and we just needed to focus on it and make the necessary steps.? I didn't want to see my kids hurt. R and I needed to make some moves so there was no longer this unknown... But, being the sole person in charge for six years.... giving that up was also requiring some tough changes on my half. I no longer had to do it all. I no longer could call all the shots. I have to admit some nights I was happy to go home and be in charge and in complete control... just for a moment.
1. I was always exhausted. Any conversation that we tried to have after 9pm was useless. Neither one of us could think stratight.
2. Seeing eachother before 9pm and actually being able to talk without one of six children needing to interrupt... impossible
3. Dates? Vital, but are they realistic?
4. Most times of trying to sit down and relax and enjoy the other person turned into both of us falling asleep sitting up on the couch within minutes of sitting.
It was hard. How long do you keep this up? It seemed like a month would pass and I would have to ask myself... has anything changed in our relationship in this past month? Often, the answer was no. That was good because we were in a good place. That was bad because I wondered if we were moving forward.
One evening we discussed the issue and the time-frame. When kids are involved in the relationship and you see them getting closer and closer to the guy you are dating... it is a little scary. My kids loved him, and I loved him.... but what if something happened and he and I went our different ways? How much of a blow would that be to my kids?
One year. That was the time frame we decided on.
After 9 months I started to panic a bit. Life as a single-parent is challenging and sometimes so challenging that you focus more on the day-to-day then you do thinking long-term. Were we doing that? Was the sheer challenge of spending quality time together hampering our progress and dragging this out? Or did we already know that this was it and we just needed to focus on it and make the necessary steps.? I didn't want to see my kids hurt. R and I needed to make some moves so there was no longer this unknown... But, being the sole person in charge for six years.... giving that up was also requiring some tough changes on my half. I no longer had to do it all. I no longer could call all the shots. I have to admit some nights I was happy to go home and be in charge and in complete control... just for a moment.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
REALITY HITS
That was the beginning.... and bit by bit we moved ahead. We told the kids, began to integrate our lives a bit, and took "test" trips to see how everyone did when crammed in a car together. We dealt with broken down cars and last minute changes to our schedules. We had kids who loved each other and then didn't. There was an entire side to this relationship that was good and wonderful and fun to watch how it wove together.
Then there was the other side...Getting close to someone meant they saw me for how I really was. They saw my flaws in parenting and in life. And... someone seeing it - made it very real and made me more accountable. It was uncomfortable. That feeling was only exaggerated by having a man in my kids life who was a father and was keenly aware of all the "boy" things I had never done with my boys or exposed them to. It became extraordinarily clear the gap that had been created from years of single-parenting... from years of not having their father. There was sadness and pain in that. My first reaction was to run... but I knew I needed to face this reality that was our life. There was great things in our life and for years I had just focused on that and had lost sight of what we were missing. The process of dating "R" caused me to mourn and grieve for the experiences... the simple pleasures my children had lost in their childhood.
One day I stood in the driveway and watched as R played catch with a football with my boys. I was sad to think my boys had never done that at home before that day. There was happiness and joy in their eyes. There was a fun that returned that had not been felt for years.
Then there was the other side...Getting close to someone meant they saw me for how I really was. They saw my flaws in parenting and in life. And... someone seeing it - made it very real and made me more accountable. It was uncomfortable. That feeling was only exaggerated by having a man in my kids life who was a father and was keenly aware of all the "boy" things I had never done with my boys or exposed them to. It became extraordinarily clear the gap that had been created from years of single-parenting... from years of not having their father. There was sadness and pain in that. My first reaction was to run... but I knew I needed to face this reality that was our life. There was great things in our life and for years I had just focused on that and had lost sight of what we were missing. The process of dating "R" caused me to mourn and grieve for the experiences... the simple pleasures my children had lost in their childhood.
One day I stood in the driveway and watched as R played catch with a football with my boys. I was sad to think my boys had never done that at home before that day. There was happiness and joy in their eyes. There was a fun that returned that had not been felt for years.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
THE NEXT FEW DAYS
R left for Chicago the next morning and I tried to clear my head with no luck. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep and I had no idea why.... it was the craziest thing.
Sitting at work 'the day after', I was paged by the receptionist. That could only mean one thing. She always called your office line if she needed you. Only upon hearing 'Kim, please come to lobby" is it known to all who work there what is up. I had flowers. I worked for a company that manufactured juice. The card read.... Have a fructuous day !
I am not one to typically care for flowers. They are pretty... but have always struck me as a waste of money... But this day, I was very good with the choice to have flowers sent. I texted him a thank you and for the next couple days we exchanged some text messages. Thursday evening he was stuck in Chicago... delayed flight. The confines of the airport with hours to kill created the perfect setting for him to pay me a lot of attention. We conversed via text and he confessed his disturbed sleep since our encounter. I revealed I was having the same issue. We went back and forth for a couple hours, and arranged that depending on what time his flight arrived.... he would stop over and see me if I was indeed unable to sleep again that evening. I showered and headed to bed. But, for hours there I laid. He texted me a little after one in the morning to see if I was sleeping. I wasn't. There was no great purpose for his stop over - nor did he stay long. I think I was hoping that if I saw him again it would clear my mind. Nope... only made matters worse. I thought perhaps I would scare him off as I answered the door in my pajamas and some major wild fresh from the shower then bed head hair.
That was the beginning. I was way up in the clouds somewhere and did not see myself coming down. It was time I called for back-up. I called the sister who is not only a realist - but has the ability to play 'devil's advocate' very well. She was no help. Everyone I talked to (including her) commented on the energy in my voice... blah, blah, blah. I needed help. I needed someone to make this go away. I was falling and was falling fast for this guy.
Following one of our dates we were back at his house. I was laying on the couch and he was sitting on the floor leaned up against the couch. He was drifting off to sleep (which single working parents do often) and I was looking at his face. In that moment I said a prayer. I know I said I wanted to be single... but I didn't imagine I would find someone like him. He was exactly what I wanted. It was possible that the Lord was only using me as an instrument for some other end that did not have to do with he and I - perhaps I would simply help him bridge the gap to a different course in life. But, I wanted him. I loved him. I didn't know him completely - but knew I loved him. With faith in a loving Heavenly Father I turned it over to Him.
Sitting at work 'the day after', I was paged by the receptionist. That could only mean one thing. She always called your office line if she needed you. Only upon hearing 'Kim, please come to lobby" is it known to all who work there what is up. I had flowers. I worked for a company that manufactured juice. The card read.... Have a fructuous day !
I am not one to typically care for flowers. They are pretty... but have always struck me as a waste of money... But this day, I was very good with the choice to have flowers sent. I texted him a thank you and for the next couple days we exchanged some text messages. Thursday evening he was stuck in Chicago... delayed flight. The confines of the airport with hours to kill created the perfect setting for him to pay me a lot of attention. We conversed via text and he confessed his disturbed sleep since our encounter. I revealed I was having the same issue. We went back and forth for a couple hours, and arranged that depending on what time his flight arrived.... he would stop over and see me if I was indeed unable to sleep again that evening. I showered and headed to bed. But, for hours there I laid. He texted me a little after one in the morning to see if I was sleeping. I wasn't. There was no great purpose for his stop over - nor did he stay long. I think I was hoping that if I saw him again it would clear my mind. Nope... only made matters worse. I thought perhaps I would scare him off as I answered the door in my pajamas and some major wild fresh from the shower then bed head hair.
That was the beginning. I was way up in the clouds somewhere and did not see myself coming down. It was time I called for back-up. I called the sister who is not only a realist - but has the ability to play 'devil's advocate' very well. She was no help. Everyone I talked to (including her) commented on the energy in my voice... blah, blah, blah. I needed help. I needed someone to make this go away. I was falling and was falling fast for this guy.
Following one of our dates we were back at his house. I was laying on the couch and he was sitting on the floor leaned up against the couch. He was drifting off to sleep (which single working parents do often) and I was looking at his face. In that moment I said a prayer. I know I said I wanted to be single... but I didn't imagine I would find someone like him. He was exactly what I wanted. It was possible that the Lord was only using me as an instrument for some other end that did not have to do with he and I - perhaps I would simply help him bridge the gap to a different course in life. But, I wanted him. I loved him. I didn't know him completely - but knew I loved him. With faith in a loving Heavenly Father I turned it over to Him.
Friday, May 13, 2011
MAY 11... CONTINUED
I contemplated my choice for the last hour at the office.... There was a very big part of me that wanted to say yes... just my doubting mind that thought I may be starting something that will be awkward to end kept me from an immediate reply.
I got home. Kids were good and healthy. I sent him a text letting him know I would meet him there at 7:30. Having my own escape car was a must. I called my friend I had said I would fix up with him and let her know there had been a change, I would be doing some 'inside investigation' work. I told my kids I'd be out with my friend Wanda. I was certain I didn't want to tell my daughter. She would be mortified.
I arrived about 7:29. He was not there yet. I bought us tickets for the movie. Somehow that helped me feel better. I paced the hall. I read the bulletin board. I paced the hall. He sent me a text. He had been delayed getting back to town that day. He was coming. He told me not to buy tickets. I smiled and replied that the tickets were bought and we were ready to go..
A few minutes later I watched him walk swiftly up the front stairs. Dress pants, a shirt and a sport coat. His hair seemed to be a little damp from having just showered. He smiled, greeted me and we went in to the movie.
First dates are a little awkward. There seems to be careful placement of the hands and elbows and arms. As I sat there I was overcome with his smell. Aroma? Odor? How do you say that positively? It was consuming. I found my shoulders pressing closer and closer then firmer and firmer against his. As if I needed to be closer to breathe in his scent.
Part of that was completely unconscious... but then I realized what I was doing. I tried to reason with myself. "Kim, move over... you are almost on top of this guy". "Ummmm... nope can't do it" "Kim, move over" "Yikes... I can't". On occasion he would make matters even worse by whispering a comment about the movie in my ear. What was happening to me? He seemed to have this power over me that made me melt... I continued to try to reason with myself. "What is your problem? You don't even know this guy! Cut it out and move over." I couldn't. It was useless. Ever see Twilight? I could completely relate to how Edward felt (minus the desire to suck his blood).
I was grateful for the fresh evening air following the movie... I could breath and the breeze took his scent in a different direction. Thank you!! I can think again.
He revealed the research he had done on "Mormons" and his apparent loss for what to do next. No coffee... no drinks... glass of water? We headed to his house to visit. He sat on the sectional style sofa. I sat as far away from him on the opposite end of the couch as I could. It seemed safer. We visited for quite awhile, enjoying engaging conversation.... the night grew late and I said good bye... so I could go home and not catch one bit of sleep.... That would be the first of many sleepless nights to come. Something had just happened.
I got home. Kids were good and healthy. I sent him a text letting him know I would meet him there at 7:30. Having my own escape car was a must. I called my friend I had said I would fix up with him and let her know there had been a change, I would be doing some 'inside investigation' work. I told my kids I'd be out with my friend Wanda. I was certain I didn't want to tell my daughter. She would be mortified.
I arrived about 7:29. He was not there yet. I bought us tickets for the movie. Somehow that helped me feel better. I paced the hall. I read the bulletin board. I paced the hall. He sent me a text. He had been delayed getting back to town that day. He was coming. He told me not to buy tickets. I smiled and replied that the tickets were bought and we were ready to go..
A few minutes later I watched him walk swiftly up the front stairs. Dress pants, a shirt and a sport coat. His hair seemed to be a little damp from having just showered. He smiled, greeted me and we went in to the movie.
First dates are a little awkward. There seems to be careful placement of the hands and elbows and arms. As I sat there I was overcome with his smell. Aroma? Odor? How do you say that positively? It was consuming. I found my shoulders pressing closer and closer then firmer and firmer against his. As if I needed to be closer to breathe in his scent.
Part of that was completely unconscious... but then I realized what I was doing. I tried to reason with myself. "Kim, move over... you are almost on top of this guy". "Ummmm... nope can't do it" "Kim, move over" "Yikes... I can't". On occasion he would make matters even worse by whispering a comment about the movie in my ear. What was happening to me? He seemed to have this power over me that made me melt... I continued to try to reason with myself. "What is your problem? You don't even know this guy! Cut it out and move over." I couldn't. It was useless. Ever see Twilight? I could completely relate to how Edward felt (minus the desire to suck his blood).
I was grateful for the fresh evening air following the movie... I could breath and the breeze took his scent in a different direction. Thank you!! I can think again.
He revealed the research he had done on "Mormons" and his apparent loss for what to do next. No coffee... no drinks... glass of water? We headed to his house to visit. He sat on the sectional style sofa. I sat as far away from him on the opposite end of the couch as I could. It seemed safer. We visited for quite awhile, enjoying engaging conversation.... the night grew late and I said good bye... so I could go home and not catch one bit of sleep.... That would be the first of many sleepless nights to come. Something had just happened.
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