Diary of a Widow

GOD KNOWS YOU

2012-02-23T09:00:00.000-05:00

Dieter F. Uchtdorf:

"Please understand that what you see and experience now is not what forever will be. You will not feel loneliness, sorrow, pain, or discouragement forever. We have the faithful promise of God that He will neither forget nor forsake those who incline their hearts to Him. Have hope and faith in that promise. Learn to love your Heavenly Father and become His disciple in word and in deed.

Be assured that if you but hold on, believe in Him, and remain faithful in keeping the commandments, one day you will experience for yourself the promises revealed to the Apostle Paul: “Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him” (1 Corinthians 2:9).

Brothers and sisters, the most powerful Being in the universe is the Father of your spirit. He knows you. He loves you with a perfect love.

God sees you not only as a mortal being on a small planet who lives for a brief season—He sees you as His child. He sees you as the being you are capable and designed to become. He wants you to know that you matter to Him."

Tender Mercies

2012-02-21T13:29:00.000-05:00

I read this today... and I remembered hearing it just months after Chris' passing.

Married life has given me lots of opportunities to think back over the past several years. Mostly I mourn. When I see certain behaviour in my kids, and I know that it comes from the years of single parenthood and coping and grieving. They were long years and when I think of them I wonder how I made it through... but I don't wonder long until I remember that it was through the Tender Mercies of God that I felt peace and strength and that I was able to carry on.

Read it... it's a good read!

http://www.lds.org/new-era/2012/02/the-tender-mercies-of-the-lord?lang=eng

TWO THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW... IF YOU RE-MARRY

2011-12-02T16:47:00.000-05:00

At least that is two things I can tell you so far.

1. You may find out the healing is not quite done... even if you think it is. Because once you hit a safe place in life... your body may decide to finish the crying it started and never finished.

2. Sometimes your past comes back to bite you in the butt! My husband went in for a routine procedure today... and all I could think of was last time I took my husband in for a routine procedure... my life changed. Thankfully, today the procedure is over and life is just as it was before.

A NEW LIFE

2011-10-10T12:48:00.000-04:00

I think it was probably perfect that I was ornery and crabby to the dear man the night he proposed. It sets the stage for life in all reality... right? He cannot say he didn't know what he was getting into. :)

We had a perfect wedding. He, me and our six kids, a friend to marry us and two friends to witness. Right in the living room. A dinner with just us and the kids followed in the dining room and a couple months later a summer picnic to celebrate our new life, our new beginning on our lawn.

I am so grateful for him. I try everyday to not take him for granted and to remember all the good he brings to my life.

He is a blessing. But it has been an emotional roller coaster... in a new way. I worked for years building up systems and structure that kept me standing. Now I have to change those systems and knock down that structure and build new. It is hard. Really hard. He is tender and allows me to move slowly and listens to me cry about closing bank accounts, even though there is no way he understands why that makes me cry (I don't even get it 100%). I just know and feel that I am making myself very vulnerable again. Vulnerable to loss. But it is worth it. Because every day I have joy and love.

It comes again. It really comes again.

Now... years of 'bad' behaviors used to help me survive... I need to learn to thrive everyday. It is a journey... and I'm not sure how to really get there. A journey many of us need to take. We endure hardships and come out the other side stronger... but not always thriving. Just happy to survive. Help me learn how and share your wisdom to EVERYDAY THRIVING!

MONTH 11

2011-05-26T10:14:00.000-04:00

I was ready. I wanted to marry him and I had been praying about it for 11 months. I knew it was right. I knew he loved me and my kids.

But, he had not proposed. We talked marriage like it was expected. But, he had not proposed. There were times I was bothered by this. I was in deep. My kids were in deep. It had been 11 months. He only had one month before our proposed "timeline" came due.

I didn't want him to feel pressured. I wanted to be patient. But I wanted to shake him and say what is the hold up?? Do you want it or not? I convinced myself I would wait until the one year mark... THEN... then we would have a serious conversation! :)

One year and one day from when we met I was crabby. He had planned to propose. I am certain the evening did not go as smoothly as he had planned.

HOW LONG IS TOO LONG?

2011-05-26T09:59:00.000-04:00

Dating as a parent is challenging.

1. I was always exhausted. Any conversation that we tried to have after 9pm was useless. Neither one of us could think stratight.
2. Seeing eachother before 9pm and actually being able to talk without one of six children needing to interrupt... impossible
3. Dates? Vital, but are they realistic?
4. Most times of trying to sit down and relax and enjoy the other person turned into both of us falling asleep sitting up on the couch within minutes of sitting.

It was hard. How long do you keep this up? It seemed like a month would pass and I would have to ask myself... has anything changed in our relationship in this past month? Often, the answer was no. That was good because we were in a good place. That was bad because I wondered if we were moving forward.

One evening we discussed the issue and the time-frame. When kids are involved in the relationship and you see them getting closer and closer to the guy you are dating... it is a little scary. My kids loved him, and I loved him.... but what if something happened and he and I went our different ways? How much of a blow would that be to my kids?

One year. That was the time frame we decided on.

After 9 months I started to panic a bit. Life as a single-parent is challenging and sometimes so challenging that you focus more on the day-to-day then you do thinking long-term. Were we doing that? Was the sheer challenge of spending quality time together hampering our progress and dragging this out? Or did we already know that this was it and we just needed to focus on it and make the necessary steps.? I didn't want to see my kids hurt. R and I needed to make some moves so there was no longer this unknown... But, being the sole person in charge for six years.... giving that up was also requiring some tough changes on my half. I no longer had to do it all. I no longer could call all the shots. I have to admit some nights I was happy to go home and be in charge and in complete control... just for a moment.

REALITY HITS

2011-05-25T09:23:00.001-04:00

That was the beginning.... and bit by bit we moved ahead. We told the kids, began to integrate our lives a bit, and took "test" trips to see how everyone did when crammed in a car together. We dealt with broken down cars and last minute changes to our schedules. We had kids who loved each other and then didn't. There was an entire side to this relationship that was good and wonderful and fun to watch how it wove together.

Then there was the other side...Getting close to someone meant they saw me for how I really was. They saw my flaws in parenting and in life. And... someone seeing it - made it very real and made me more accountable. It was uncomfortable. That feeling was only exaggerated by having a man in my kids life who was a father and was keenly aware of all the "boy" things I had never done with my boys or exposed them to. It became extraordinarily clear the gap that had been created from years of single-parenting... from years of not having their father. There was sadness and pain in that. My first reaction was to run... but I knew I needed to face this reality that was our life. There was great things in our life and for years I had just focused on that and had lost sight of what we were missing. The process of dating "R" caused me to mourn and grieve for the experiences... the simple pleasures my children had lost in their childhood.

One day I stood in the driveway and watched as R played catch with a football with my boys. I was sad to think my boys had never done that at home before that day. There was happiness and joy in their eyes. There was a fun that returned that had not been felt for years.

THE NEXT FEW DAYS

2011-05-24T22:36:00.000-04:00

R left for Chicago the next morning and I tried to clear my head with no luck. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep and I had no idea why.... it was the craziest thing.

Sitting at work 'the day after', I was paged by the receptionist. That could only mean one thing. She always called your office line if she needed you. Only upon hearing 'Kim, please come to lobby" is it known to all who work there what is up. I had flowers. I worked for a company that manufactured juice. The card read.... Have a fructuous day !

I am not one to typically care for flowers. They are pretty... but have always struck me as a waste of money... But this day, I was very good with the choice to have flowers sent. I texted him a thank you and for the next couple days we exchanged some text messages. Thursday evening he was stuck in Chicago... delayed flight. The confines of the airport with hours to kill created the perfect setting for him to pay me a lot of attention. We conversed via text and he confessed his disturbed sleep since our encounter. I revealed I was having the same issue. We went back and forth for a couple hours, and arranged that depending on what time his flight arrived.... he would stop over and see me if I was indeed unable to sleep again that evening. I showered and headed to bed. But, for hours there I laid. He texted me a little after one in the morning to see if I was sleeping. I wasn't. There was no great purpose for his stop over - nor did he stay long. I think I was hoping that if I saw him again it would clear my mind. Nope... only made matters worse. I thought perhaps I would scare him off as I answered the door in my pajamas and some major wild fresh from the shower then bed head hair.

That was the beginning. I was way up in the clouds somewhere and did not see myself coming down. It was time I called for back-up. I called the sister who is not only a realist - but has the ability to play 'devil's advocate' very well. She was no help. Everyone I talked to (including her) commented on the energy in my voice... blah, blah, blah. I needed help. I needed someone to make this go away. I was falling and was falling fast for this guy.

Following one of our dates we were back at his house. I was laying on the couch and he was sitting on the floor leaned up against the couch. He was drifting off to sleep (which single working parents do often) and I was looking at his face. In that moment I said a prayer. I know I said I wanted to be single... but I didn't imagine I would find someone like him. He was exactly what I wanted. It was possible that the Lord was only using me as an instrument for some other end that did not have to do with he and I - perhaps I would simply help him bridge the gap to a different course in life. But, I wanted him. I loved him. I didn't know him completely - but knew I loved him. With faith in a loving Heavenly Father I turned it over to Him.

MAY 11... CONTINUED

2011-05-13T17:50:00.000-04:00

I contemplated my choice for the last hour at the office.... There was a very big part of me that wanted to say yes... just my doubting mind that thought I may be starting something that will be awkward to end kept me from an immediate reply.

I got home. Kids were good and healthy. I sent him a text letting him know I would meet him there at 7:30. Having my own escape car was a must. I called my friend I had said I would fix up with him and let her know there had been a change, I would be doing some 'inside investigation' work. I told my kids I'd be out with my friend Wanda. I was certain I didn't want to tell my daughter. She would be mortified.

I arrived about 7:29. He was not there yet. I bought us tickets for the movie. Somehow that helped me feel better. I paced the hall. I read the bulletin board. I paced the hall. He sent me a text. He had been delayed getting back to town that day. He was coming. He told me not to buy tickets. I smiled and replied that the tickets were bought and we were ready to go..

A few minutes later I watched him walk swiftly up the front stairs. Dress pants, a shirt and a sport coat. His hair seemed to be a little damp from having just showered. He smiled, greeted me and we went in to the movie.

First dates are a little awkward. There seems to be careful placement of the hands and elbows and arms. As I sat there I was overcome with his smell. Aroma? Odor? How do you say that positively? It was consuming. I found my shoulders pressing closer and closer then firmer and firmer against his. As if I needed to be closer to breathe in his scent.

Part of that was completely unconscious... but then I realized what I was doing. I tried to reason with myself. "Kim, move over... you are almost on top of this guy". "Ummmm... nope can't do it" "Kim, move over" "Yikes... I can't". On occasion he would make matters even worse by whispering a comment about the movie in my ear. What was happening to me? He seemed to have this power over me that made me melt... I continued to try to reason with myself. "What is your problem? You don't even know this guy! Cut it out and move over." I couldn't. It was useless. Ever see Twilight? I could completely relate to how Edward felt (minus the desire to suck his blood).

I was grateful for the fresh evening air following the movie... I could breath and the breeze took his scent in a different direction. Thank you!! I can think again.

He revealed the research he had done on "Mormons" and his apparent loss for what to do next. No coffee... no drinks... glass of water? We headed to his house to visit. He sat on the sectional style sofa. I sat as far away from him on the opposite end of the couch as I could. It seemed safer. We visited for quite awhile, enjoying engaging conversation.... the night grew late and I said good bye... so I could go home and not catch one bit of sleep.... That would be the first of many sleepless nights to come. Something had just happened.

MAY 11, 2010

2011-05-12T10:19:00.002-04:00

After finding his photo on Saturday night the fun was over and we were back to life. I still figured months down the road when my friend's divorce was final that I would set her up... he was too good not to match him up with someone.

Somehow my great plans changed when I received a text message. The message was sent at 3:07 on Tuesday afternoon. It was R. He wanted to know if I ever made it to see Date Night, and if not if I would be interested in going to the Opera House to see it with him that evening. I was not in my office when that message came in, but I froze with disbelief when I casually sat at my desk thirty minutes later and saw a missed call, voicemail and text message all from him. I did what any normal girl would do under such circumstances... I ran. I went over to my friend's desk and divulged the secret. What should I do, what should I say?? She followed me back to my office where we could discuss my options... of course she felt the obvious answer was GO! I froze. I don't date. I don't want to date. I am so done with that part of my life. She continued to prod... Go!!

I was fearful and answering a yes made me incredibly uncomfortable. I just didn't want to go there. If I say yes, eventually I have to say no.. and that is hard and some guys don't get it when you do say no, if you said yes once before. Ugh. I was not about to start that nightmare. But... I was intrigued. There was a big part of me that WANTED to say YES.

I sent my reply. I let him know I would need to check in on my kids after work. One had been under the weather and I would need to check-in to make sure all was well. I said I'd get back to him after 5:00.

I had just bought myself an hour that I could spend weighing the pros and cons of accepting his date.

MAY 8, 2010

2011-05-11T06:05:00.001-04:00

The plan was to pick up my daughter around 2pm. My phone rang at 12:57pm with the caller-id showing the caller was the home where she was. I answered expecting my daughter on the other end. It wasn't. I had a five minute phone call with the father. Just confirming I'd be over to pick her up. He was willing to bring her home, but I politely declined and said I'd be there in an hour. I'm not sure why that took five minutes... but I just confirmed on my cell phone bill it was a five minute call. I think there was a desire to linger on the phone from both our perspectives.

I was timely. 2pm I was ringing their door bell. The 8 year old brother answered the door, invited me in, told me the girls were upstairs and then left. It is a large home.... built in the 1800's. The kind that seems to go on and on from room to room. I stood there waiting, expecting that the girls would be down. No one came. I hollered out a "hello". No one answered. I walked in one room from the den to the kitchen. I hollered again. No one answered. I stood there waiting and glanced down at the papers on his kitchen island. There was a pamphlet listing the movies that were playing at the Opera House in town. "Date Night" was scheduled to show that night and the upcoming Tuesday. I read the description. Sounded funny. Then I continued to stand there... waiting. I hollered out again. No answer. Awkward. Should I go to my car and try calling them? I chose to wait a little longer. The father... "R" walked in. It was obvious he was fresh from the shower. Clean shave, wet hair combed back, Saturday looking jeans and a long sleeve t-shirt.

He seemed surprised that I was standing in his kitchen when he walked in. I told him I was waiting for my daughter. He asked if anyone had gone to get them. I reported the details that I knew and he invited me upstairs to their third floor to see the space the girls had been playing in. I asked my daughter to get her things together and R and I returned to the kitchen to wait for her. In an effort to make small talk during our wait I asked if he had seen the movie "Date Night" as I pointed at the pamphlet. He had not... we continued with some other talk and then he started to apologize. He didn't have to get far and I knew very well where this was headed... he must have found out I was widowed. I knew the tone. He only got a few words with an apologetic tone out before the girls came bounding in and our privacy was no more. We continued to talk for a bit and he offered to show me some of the other fun spaces the house had to offer. We went to his barn with the girls in tow. After a short tour the girls found themselves playing on the lawn and he and I found ourselves with some privacy to talk. As I expected he expressed sympathy for my loss... we talked for almost an hour. I figured if he was comfortable discussing my marital status... he could discuss his as well. So we did.

I left there that day completely intrigued with this man. I felt a huge amount of respect for him and wanted to know more. His divorce sounded identical to what my best friend was in the process of going through. She came over that evening and I told her about "R". I told her I would need to fix the two of them up once her divorce was final. I could feel how good this guy was. She... wanted photos. I pulled out my best 'google stalking' abilities but was having trouble finding a photo. Gratefully we live in a small town. He had told me where he went to church and I recognized it as the same church my girlfriend went to. That girlfriend happened to call as we were in the process of trying to google stalk him. I told her I was looking for a photo of him as I would like to fix him up with my other friend. She inquired why I would do that... I should be interested. I reminded her that I don't date. I am done with that phase of my life. She directed me to her facebook photo albums.
I found him.

MAY 7, 2010

2011-05-10T06:48:00.001-04:00

I think due to the craziness of life over the past several years, my kids have not had the opportunity to foster very many friendships with the children at school. I was hesitant to have them go play at others' homes as I did not know the parents, and I was not home enough it seemed to have friends over. Every minute of every day just seemed packed full.

My daughter seemed to struggle the most with this. It seemed to have stunted her ability to have close friends like the other girls in her class had. Just a week or two before this she had the opportunity to go to play at a friends house. I did not know the parents, but felt inclined to let her go. I had dropped her off at the girls' mother's home. The mother seemed very nice and I instantly felt at ease with the girl. I was curious about the family, as I had never heard of this girl before and I didn't quite understand where the friendship had come from.

On May 7... a Friday... my daughter came home from school inquiring if she could have a sleepover at her new friend's father's house. I must make the clarification here that sleepovers are just a no. End of story. Stay 'till late - return in the morning, no problem. But, we sleep at home. Curiously, when she asked, I didn't hesitate and said "sure". I didn't think about it at the moment... but I had, in reality, just agreed to let my daughter sleep over at some man's house... who was single... who I had never met. I am not sure how that happened.

Forever etched in my head is the moment I pulled in the driveway... He had a long circular driveway. He was on the lawn playing baseball with his 8 year old son. My daughter's friend was out on the lawn as well. I pulled into the driveway far enough to get the car off the road and stopped. My daughter hopped out of the car and I followed. I stood there half in the car and half out with the door open. He walked over and I briefly introduced myself and chatted about the girls' intentions. He was tall, salt and pepper hair. He struck me. I was intrigued. We exchanged phone numbers so we would be able to contact each other if needed during the overnight. It seemed like a good excuse.

I pulled away.. leaving my daughter playing in the cherry blossoms on the lawn with her friend.

AND THE ANSWER IS.... OR IS IT?

2011-05-09T09:43:00.001-04:00

I set aside the first Sunday in May 2010 to fast and tell the Lord my decision. I spent a lot of time on my knees that day going over the evidence I had created for myself to validate my decision. I felt confident and sure that it was what I wanted.

I finished my fast and felt excited to see where life would be taking me. A day or two later I was thrown off when I had the distinct impression that the Lord had marriage in mind for me.

I know I am a better person married than not. But, remember... we have to work on this vision in my head. These few specific needs I have... I think I have created something that doesn't exist. I knelt in prayer and told the Lord I was willing to do His will. I told Him my little list of traits I truly desired and then prayed for humility to accept what the Lord had for me.

My decision was made. I'd like to marry again.

IT'S TIME TO TELL THIS STORY....

2011-05-08T21:34:00.001-04:00

One of the things I have loved about this blog has been the ability to do it retrospective... I have been able to look back and take the embers... just bringing with me the good and leaving most of the bad and ugly behind.

The last year of my life has been.... life changing... it is time to tell that story.

Last spring in March and April I had many nights that were sleep disturbed as I woke with a question penetrating my mind. The question was "Do you want to re-marry or do you want a career?". For many nights I dismissed this until the episode kept repeating itself and I could not deny the feeling that I needed to answer it. I went to the Lord in prayer and told Him I felt this was coming from Him. I want to be an instrument in His hands. I will go and do what He wants.

This did not seem to satisfy as the episodes kept on. I began to truly study it out in my mind. The more I did that, the more positive aspects I saw about me being single. I have the ability to influence some I may not otherwise be able to. I have friendships I would not otherwise have. I accomplish and do things I would not be able to. And, knowing that my desire for a career was to work in television. ... certainly that circle of influence could be powerful.

I spent weeks prayerfully contemplating this and making a mental list. I considered the other side... marriage. I have dated some, and have found it to be too difficult. It was like when I was preparing for my junior prom and I had a vision in my head of what I wanted my dress to look like. I looked and looked and could not find the right dress. My mother was a seamstress and so I visited the fabric store and could not find a pattern to fit what I wanted. In the end I picked out five patterns... one for sleeves, one for a neck line, one for a bodice, etc and asked that mom combine them to create the dress I had in my head. My "man" was much like that prom dress. I had determined over the previous years in trying to date that there were certain "must-haves".... traits that seemed a bit specific and extreme. Certainly I would need to change that vision in my head to have a chance at finding someone who I would want to marry....

My decision was made. I'd like to have a career please.

THE ATONEMENT OF JESUS CHRIST

2011-05-07T08:33:00.001-04:00

As I was preparing to speak a few weeks ago, one of the many subjects I contemplated speaking on was the atonement of Jesus Christ and how it works to ease our suffering. In The Book of Mormon, Alma 7:11 reads:
And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people.

My sister advised against such a subject on such a sensitive day at church. Surely we wouldn't want to indicate that even if you lose your child, you need not suffer, because the Savior already did that. I didn't want to give the impression that they should be just fine.

I did however spend a few weeks contemplating that. How does that work together? Is it sinful to mourn at the loss of a child or spouse or another loved one? Certainly not. Does it show a lack of faith? No. Then how does it work exactly?

I have come to this conclusion: I can testify that I have felt my burden lightened. I know I have been able to turn it over to the Lord and He has suffered that pain for me. I can also testify that despite my faith and trust in the Lord I have morned deeply the loss of my husband.

I believe these two can co-exist perfectly naturally. The scriptures teach us to "mourn with those that mourn" and "comfort those that stand in need of comfort". I know that mourning is needed and natural. I also know that we can turn some of that pain over to Christ. He has suffered it for us. We do not need to feel it all. If we hold on to all that pain and harbor it - we are simply denying the gift of the atonement He gave us.

The atonement is what makes good days still come and healing come completely. It is what makes one know on a bad day, that a good day will soon follow.

Mourning the loss of a loved one is natural. Missing them. When we harbor the pain - that is when we need to remember that the Savior suffered this for us. We can give that burden to Him.

DEATH

2011-04-25T11:00:00.000-04:00

So very much has happened lately.. and I have a few thoughts I want to share. A couple weeks ago a friend of mine suffered the tragedy of losing her son. He was seven. His death is unexplainable... the question of why from the perspective of science may never be answered. He was a healthy little boy one day and not the next.

I had an assignment to speak in her ward at church the day after he passed. I have never prayed and studied so hard for a speaking assignment. I didn't know what I should say... so many angles and approaches to view it from. I felt such a weight.. a burden of responsibility that was exaggerated because I felt this was not by chance.. that I would be speaking there on that Sunday. Me. Me who knows death. I have felt the sting and I have felt the peace.

I have never walked into an assignment having spent more time preparing but with so little clue as to what I would say. I wish I would have prioritized the time to write that day - to capture what I said... but I didn't. I would like to capture a few thoughts on it here...

I know I began by talking about my own experiences with death. I did not know death until my grandparents died in my mid to upper 20's.. just a year or two before Chris. The sting of that death could not compare with what I felt when Chris passed. I shared of the peace I felt and talked about the fact that we spend a lot of time coming to church.... learning of Christ and testifying of Christ. But, it is not until you feel that sting of death that you really FEEL it. You have to look at yourself in the mirror and ask, do I believe it? Do I really believe it? Because all of the sudden it REALLY matters. I talked about that peace and joy of being able to feel Chris' presence after he passed. Those moments... those tender gifts of his presence. Where I could feel him holding me... talking to me.... sustaining me. Tender mercies from God.

I talked about fear. Peter when he walked on the water. The storm came in quickly. Life storms are like that. We don't have any fancy 'tools' to measure when the storm is coming and how bad it will be... we just live everyday prepared. And when the storm comes, our natural tendency is fear. But, we need to realize that God is in control. He is there to comfort and guide us always. We must put our faith in Him.

My storm in life began unexpectedly. Unlike physical storms in nature that can often be predicted - we often can not predict the storm of life. We must be prepared always. Spiritually steadfast and armed with our faith in Christ. Armed with confidence that we CAN DO hard things through Christ. Armed with testimony and knowledge of His gospel. We can walk on water. We can do what He wants us to do and be who He wants us to be. Through my personal storm the Lord has been there for me. My heart at times has felt to burst with gratitude for His ever watchful eye and love. There were times that the storms felt so intense I could not see how I could possibly take another step. My "morning" and "night" prayers were not the same as I felt a constant line and continued communication with God. I understood more than ever the concept of "praying always" and I felt the love of my Father in Heaven.

He did not answer my pleas for peace by calming the storm for a long time. I felt often that, in contrast, it intensified. But strength was given to me for every step I took. I felt like Peter on the water and I prayed for calm and was granted the ability to take another step. The calm did come.... after a long, long storm and many many prayers and petitions for peace. I distinctly remember receiving a priesthood blessing wherein the elements were commanded to calm. Once that calming began, I suppose I felt much like one may feel following any treacherous storm. I was grateful for peace. There were still cloud covered skies - but I could begin the long and demanding course towards building new again. The road was long... the work was hard.. but my spiritual muscles grew and eventually I felt I had come out of the clouds and could feel the soothing rays of sunshine. It reached my very core and I felt stillness.

Despite all the faith we have in Christ... we still feel the pains of life. He can shoulder much of that pain for us - but that does not mean we will not have bad days... that does not mean tomorrow we are better - never to feel the pain again... it means that we can have more good days than bad days. It means we can hold on because we know "this too shall pass".

I then talked to the congregation about what they could do. Henry B. Eyring said we "turn our feelings of sympathy into a decision to act on your covenants". I am confident that any member of that ward, given the opportunity to help or assist in some way, each would be willing. I encouraged them that each of them would be willing and ready to be instruments in the Lord's hands to serve. As each of us prayerfully turns to Lord and requests to know how we can be instruments in His hands.. he will guide us and direct us. We should 'pre-determine' how He wants us to serve... just be humble to follow what inspiration comes, when it comes. Sometimes that answer may be to serve someone else... we just need to follow what comes. Continuing the thought of "what to do" I encouraged them to ask.. Know that when you say "let me know how I can help" - it is well meaning buy meaningless. Ask specifically... "can I mow your lawn", "can I bring you a meal", "do you want to talk". We should not be afraid to talk about death (the elephant in the room). Understand if they don't want to see you (this is not about you... space may be needed... it does not reflect their love for you), and finally... memories. My favorite card I received after Chris passed was from the Rhoton's. In it Charlotte (their then teenage daughter) shared with me a list of memories she had of Chris. Priceless. No matter how trivial it may seem to you... memories are big to those who have lost.

And when there are "to-do's" there are also "don't-do's"... Don't try to make sense out of something that doesn't make sense. Don't tell me God needed him more. Don't think I deserve what I am going through. Life happens to each of us. I don't remember the positive things people said to me after Chris' passing... they just offered comfort. Comfort from the love I felt in your reaching out. But, I remember a few that were crazy comments. I know the people meant well... but they were trying to make sense out of it... or trying to assure me God needed him. I don't buy either.

SEVEN YEARS

2011-03-30T20:13:00.000-04:00

I was messing around a bit online yesterday and came across a blog of a recent widow. In the part I read she spoke of her loneliness. I could so relate to what she was sharing. I remember that feeling that she described and I remember having those emotions. I am glad I read it - because in so doing I saw how far I have come. How that is starting to feel like a memory. It is no longer a part of my life. I can't say for sure when the switch flipped for me... perhaps a little over a year ago. My poor girlfriend who is recently divorced just looks at what a slow healer I have been and always says "I hope I don't have to wait that long". I think my 'waiting' so long was due in large part to my way of grieving... put it all in a box and when there was a spare second... deal with it. I somehow was very good at not having free seconds. I think it was when my oldest was living with his uncle... life really slowed down and cleared out. The clouds parted and I could start to see what was left in that box to deal with. Today life is filled with challenges beyond grieving. Mostly I deal with challenges associated with single parenting.

My oldest turned sixteen today. Sixteen!! Sixteen is nothing like the nine year old he was when his father passed... It seems like a world a way. He is a young man.... looking forward to driving and talking all kind of car talk that has me glazing over.

Seven years ago today Chris was diagnosed with cancer. The funny thing is... I hardly gave it a second thought today. Seven years.

I do believe the blog has been very therapeutic... I have captured the embers from the journey and in so doing I have left the ashes and shut some doors. Life is not all easy street now... and sometimes when it feels hard I wish Chris was here to take care of it all. But, life is good. Really really good. So, for all the newer widows out there hold on to that. I love my life. As a whole I really do.

Happy Sweet Sixteen my son.. I love you, I do.

PUT YOUR TRUST IN GOD

2011-03-25T12:17:00.000-04:00

It isn’t as bad as you sometimes think it is.
It all works out. Don’t worry.
I say that to myself every morning.
It will all work out.
Put your trust in God,
and move forward with faith
and confidence in the future.
The Lord will not forsake us.
He will not forsake us.
If we will put our trust in Him,
if we will pray to Him,
if we will live worthy of His blessings,
He will hear our prayers.
- Gordon B. Hinckley

HIGH SCHOOL

2011-03-24T17:20:00.000-04:00

My daughter (the middle child) came home from school today and asked if I would help her with her schedule for next year... her HIGH SCHOOL schedule. As I sat listening to her tell me what was and wasn't working and what questions she had, I just kept thinking how small and young she seemed to me. High School? Really? In less than six months. And as I sat there thinking that... I realized how far away we are from what we were when Chris was here.

TRYING TO CLIMB TO THE TOP

2011-03-14T09:59:00.003-04:00

I can't believe I have been unemployed for ten weeks now. I have rested some. In fact this morning I went back to bed after I got the kids off. It was a busy weekend and I just felt the need for a tad bit extra rest. Of course I laid there thinking of what else I have to accomplish. I have cleaned out the basement (just need to paint the walls), cleaned out the attic, the closets, my bedroom that collects all.... but there is some painting and a garage and lawn that are still calling my name (of course it will have to stop snowing and raining for me to get out in the lawn).

It feels really good. Physically it changes the way I feel, having taken the time to get my life in order. I am not there yet, but I am surprised at the physical change it has brought on me. It gives me more energy and life. I feel less trodden down. I want to catch up my personal journal on the events of the past year or so, I need to reach out to a couple friends I have not seen, I need to make it to the temple this month, and I want to start working on some family heritage activities (namely trying to see if I have any pictures of the children from the past ten years that I should organize).

Oh... and I need to find a job. :) I think Hollywood is calling... gotta run.

I HAVE AN ASSIGNMENT

2011-03-05T21:00:00.003-05:00

The amount of healing that has taken place over the last year plus is huge. The cloud is gone, that once was a constant. The time I have had these past couple months not working... but just cleaning up my life... have been a tremendous blessing - but there is more to do.

I need to THRIVE. I need to LIVE my life in such a way that I can look at it and know I am doing my best. I need to break out of the patterns and behaviors I have adopted in my attempt to survive... and I need to return to THRIVING. My friend "S" is going to help me do it. Actually, we are going to help each other do it. She is not a widow.. but many of us for all sorts of different reasons find ourselves simply surviving in life and forget that we should be thriving.

We have six areas of focus: Spiritual, Emotional and Physical health, relationships, work (home or me actually finding a job again... I do need to do that), FUN, and service.

I am looking forward to our adventure together. I will write about it some through the process. I encourage you to join us. Take stock. How is your life? Are you thriving?? :)

MOURNING YEARS GONE BY

2011-02-28T21:40:00.000-05:00

As I sat in church yesterday, a young family got up to perform a special musical number. The father was on the piano and the mother stood with the children. As I was watching them I was so touched by the sweetness and completeness of this little family. I looked at the three oldest. 9, 7, 5. I was suddenly overcome with feelings of grief. Grieving the years that have passed. Those innocent and precious children were the age my children were when their father passed. So young, so sweet. So wonderful to see this family - we were once a sweet little family as well. The tears started and wouldn't stop. I started getting strange glances from my children. The tears just kept coming and coming. Long after the musical number was over, I was still crying. I felt like I was holding back... allowing the tears but blocking the sobbing that so wanted to come out. I contemplated making a run for the bathroom but felt like I was already making a spectacle of myself and thought that may just exaggerate that. So, I sat and let the tears continue to fall.

I can't say for sure what brought it on - but I can say that the topic of "mourning the years gone by" has been heavy on my heart lately. In moments of frustration the kids have retaliated at me with 'facts from the past' concerning my bad parenting behavior. It has left me reflecting on years I don't care to think about again. Years that I can't re-do. Years that have been wasted. Or so it seems.

The question is really... what would / could I have done differently. My 'bad parenting' is a reflection of trying to be a parent to children who were reacting with anger to their father's death, while trying to grieve the loss of my husband. My patience was short. I was trying to process through my own grief and that left little brain capacity for disobedient children. I was quick to yell, to lose my patience. I was incapable of of doing it.... well. I became this crazy mother that was nothing like I had once been. I look back and wonder what could have changed things. How could I have maintained the happiness and love in that little family and just continued on? Perhaps there is another widow out there that has considered this more or been more successful that could share some tips. For me... I need to forgive myself. I need to let go of the thoughts that they have been years wasted and I need to make the most of the years I now have.

THE GRAVE HATH NO VICTORY

2011-02-27T21:26:00.001-05:00

The grave hath no victory, and the sting of death is swallowed up in Christ.
Mosiah 16:8

AFFLICTIONS AND MUCH SORROW

2011-02-10T19:36:00.003-05:00

I don't know the particulars of how it works when you "invent" something. Do you get to keep collecting money every time that item is sold or improved on? Is it like Hugh Grant in About a Boy, where the next generation doesn't have to work because they can sit back and collect the royalties?

I hope so. Especially for those who invented things like dishwashers and indoor plumbing. As a widow, with very little 'extra' time for leisure type activities, one of my favorite inventions has been 'books on tape (CD)'. That is fabulous. I would not have 'read' one book in the past five years if it wasn't for that invention. But, instead I have 'read' several children's mystery/action books, some inspirational ones for me, and even Twilight!

I was driving in the car last week and started to click through the CD's in my player to see what was there for me to listen to. I stopped at The Book of Mormon and decided some on-the-go scripture study may be just what my soul was needing. I was in 2 Nephi. Lehi is getting ready to die. He is talking to each of his children to counsel them and bear his testimony to them(reminded me of the day Chris passed when he had an opportunity to do that for his children). I got to Chapter 2 and it began... "And now, Jacob, I speak unto you: Thou art my first-born in the days of my tribulation in the wilderness. And behold, in thy childhood thou hast suffered afflictions and much sorrow, because of the rudeness of thy brethren. Nevertheless, Jacob, my first-born in the wilderness, thou knowest the greatness of God; and he shall consecrate thine afflictions‍ for thy gain. "

I stopped, went back and listened to it again and again. Then I did as Nephi did, when studying Isaiah, as recorded in 1 Nephi 19:23, "I did liken all scriptures unto us, that it might be for our profit and learning."

Then as I listed to the scripture again I heard "And now, my children (specifically my three), I speak unto you. And behold, in thy childhood thou hast suffered afflictions and much sorrow, because of the passing of your father. Nevertheless, my children, thou knowest the greatness of God; and he shall consecrate thine afflictions‍ for thy gain. "

I knew in that moment very clearly and strongly, and I will testify to each of your now. That is true. I believe that when we are subjected to afflictions and much sorrow because of others or because of things that have happened to us in our lives, that God will consecrate those afflictions for our gain. I know that I need not worry about that pain and suffering my kids have endured, because every tear of suffering and sorrow will be returned a hundred times in the form of a blessing to them. The Lord knows, cares, and loves us. He will make right any affliction that is placed upon us.

ALL WIDOWS SHOULD BE UNEMPLOYED

2011-02-01T10:40:00.002-05:00

All widows should be unemployed... OK, not really. Especially if you are a widow like me that wasn't wise enough to end up a widow with a large life insurance policy. And especially if you are a young widow with children to support.

I have enjoyed my past few weeks of unemployment. I have had sick kids, snow days and regularly scheduled days off from school that have given me a household full (vs. the moments of quiet I had dreamed of). On the days that I have actually had to myself I have been brushing up on my ability to "sell myself". The joys of looking for a new job.

What I am discovering, is that in order to "sell oneself" you must KNOW oneself. I got started on that process this last year as I have written for my blog... but now it is getting down deep. Not just seeing my weaknesses, but now I have to see what is good in me. Why someone would pay me, hopefully a lot of money, for me to work for them.

This is hard. But since I am not the same person I was six years ago. Since I have new strengths that have come as a result of the path I have trod... the experience of getting to know that person... is good. Very good. All widows should do it. It is good to look back and discover you have become someone you would have have otherwise. And while we KNOW that... it is good to discover and admit the POSITIVE aspects of that!