He started to lose more weight ( Julian was always thin, but this was not healthy anymore), his eyesight got worse and he drank en peed more than usual. I told him to go to the doctor. He refused. He was just fine, he felt great he said.
He is a grown man, so I let it go.
Finn got the stomach flu and he gave it to us. Days later I got better, but Julian did not. It even got worse. After a few days I called my sister to pick up Finn. I had a bad feeling about the day. Julian was really sick. He did not seem to be all there. He was mumbling, I asked him al sort of questions. He could not answer them normally. I wanted him to unlock his phone (couldn’t remember the code) so I could call his doctor (he could not remember the name of his doctor). He typed it wrong, and again and again. It was another code (I’m glad he did this, because it was the code to his bankaccount). After awhile I remembered it and I called his doctor and asked if he could come over, becaus I was really worried. He couldn’t come straight away, but he was planning to come in the afternoon. I really wanted him to come directly. He had other patients in the morning, so I hung up with a bad feeling. I went to the store to get more toiletpaper, because of the stomach flu..
When I came back, I had a really bad feeling. I went upstairs and there he was. Half on the bed, half on the floor. He fell against the wall I think. There was some blood. He looked like a zombie. His face was grey and he looked like he was out of this world. I freaking panicked! I called his dokter instead of 911/112 in my country. He called the paramedics. I had to lay him down on the floor en see if he could breath. At that very moment his eyes rolled badly and I froze.
The centralist from 112 tried to calm me down, I know how to CPR, but I was in shock. Till this day I blame myself. But the doctor said It would not have make any difference. The ambulance came and they took over. It lasted 30/40 minutes. They gave him cpr and took him with high speed to the hospital. I sat in a different ambulance. My sister came with me in the ambulance and I called my friend. I said he was going to die.
She did not believe me. How could she? He was only 31 years old.
Our son would celebrate his first birthday the next day. I was really mad and upset that he would not have a first birthday with his parents.
Julian would maybe die today or at our sons birthday. The doctors told me he sufferd from diabetes type 1. And then it hit me, I have adressed all the signs to him, I told him to go to the doctor, but until now I didn't know it was Diabetes, I thought it was the stress of being a first time parent, and stress from the job. I even got more mad. He could have prevented this. I could have prevented this! I blamed myself again.
The doctors told me they had really no hope for him waking up. He was put in a coma after a couple of heartfailures.
I had to call his family and let them know. I didn’t want to. Like an angel and devil on my shoulder. My mom told me that I needed to call them. So I did. They came and cried with me. I told them that he was in coma and he was probably never going to wake up again. They stayed a few hours and then I sent them home. I would call them if there was an emergency.
That night I stayed at the hospital, I knew he was going to die. It only could not be happening on our sons first birthday! I would be very pissed if he died on that day. But luckily he survived the night.
Our son Finn turned one at the 26th of april. Our son is one and will not have a dad anymore.
The doctors did some tests and they told me what I already knew. He is braindead. His organs are failing and he will not recover. He was going to die without the machines. The nurses told the doctors that he could not die today, because of our son! The agreed to pull the plug the next day. I called his parents so the could say goodbye to their first born son. The came with people I didn’t know. I was really pissed. Strangers at the side of the bed. Stay the F out! I pulled his brother to the side and said the had to leave. These people do not belong here. I was really pissed, but stayed calm. He understood and they left. And there was an aunt of Julian. I never met her in the 13 years I’ve know Julian. Never heard of her, he never talked about that side of the family. Julian was ashamed of his family. I now know why! They did not gave me good vibes. I wanted them to go away.
In the night the nurses put a bed next to Julian. So we could sleep together one more time. They were so kind. I am still appreciative of them! He survived the day and I did not sleep at all. The entire night I hold his cold hand.
The next day I did not want his family around. I had to say goodbye to my best friend, the father of my child, my love.
It was hard enough.
We pulled the plug on april the 27th and he died at 8:07am. It was on a national holiday in my country. I never liked the day, but now I hate it!
As if my mom knew there was something going on. She walked into the room two minutes after he died. She hugged me very tight! ‘Ach kind’
And then it was time to go to our son and heal together. Now it was time to make his funeral arrangements.