· 

Autopilot

Dear Diary,
After the day he died I had to make the arrangements. I was his partner so I had to deal with all of his wishes. Julian did not fill in what he wanted, only that he wanted to be cremated. When I was in the hospital I already written my speech for the funeral. Weird right!? I’ve lost al hope, I’ve known the truth.
The company who arranges the funeral came to my house to speak about Julians wishes. We picked out the flowers, the coffin, which music should be played, made the card, I already knew which music should be played, three songs of his favourite artists (John Legend and Bruno Mars). I asked two friends of Julian to say a few things. We picked a date , I picked may 4th. It is on our 'commemoration of the dead' day. We remember our war heroes on that day and everyone you’ve lost. It seemed the right day.
His mother demanded that his family would come to the funeral. I didn’t want them there. They are family on paper, nothing more. She saw my reaction and was scared she couldn’t come anymore. So she backed off.
His family (aunts, uncles, cousins) was very mad at me for not letting them come. The night before the funeral, there was a reception. They could say there goodbyes there. They yelled at me and called me names. I have never seen these people in our 13 years. You are not family and never will be. If it meant so much to you to be family, I’ve would have heard of you.
My brother had to pull me back to the side and calm me down. Luckily my students already left the reception, so they did not witnessed this.
His parents and brothers did not want to be there when we closed the coffin. So my dad helped me do it. I said my goodbyes to Julian an that was it. I would never see him again. That was a very strange moment. 
The next day was the funeral/cremation.
It was a really nice day, beautiful weather. We all sat down. There were a lot of people. Mostly his and mine co-workers, 'friends' and his two friend. My father spoke for Finn, he could not finish it because of the tears. My sister wrote something to laugh about, but could not say it in front of all those people, his two friends wrote some anecdotes about Julian. And I, I told everyone what a great dad and friend you were. That you would be very missed. I never choked, I did it! I did my speech for you, my last words for you!
We said goodbye to you and left the room. We went to the reception room. People are drinking some coffee and eating some sausagerolls. I didn’t want cake, so boring. 
I was just five minutes in the receptionroom and people started to go home. They told me I’m sorry for your loss and went home. Like sheeps they followed eachother. 
Even my so called close friends. I felt very lonely, but did not want them to see me cry. No one stayed for me.. My parents, brother and sister were there, but I wanted my friends to want to be there for me. I was expecting to much. 
On my way back, I texted some of my friends. Why did they leave so early? They went to lunch together. If I wanted to join. Jesus.. Really.. I was mad for a good few seconds, but I didn’t want to be alone. Robin was still at daycare and I went to have lunch. 
Another ‘ so called friend’ texted me how I was feeling, and how the arrangements were handled. If I could afford it al? What the fuck, another Jesus are you serious? What is wrong with you people? I just said goodbye to my partner! Were they all mad?
I was in shock. I don’t even know what I did after that moment.
The first week I felt numb. I didn’t feel much. I took care of our son. Talked about other stuff. I did not go to work just yet. It was a sort of springbreak (two week holiday for students in my country)! I told My boss I would not start after the break and he agreed. After three weeks I went back to work, not yet in the classroom, but extra work in school. I was on autopilot. I did not feel very much..
I was just fine..